Friday, July 29, 2016

Warning, Drawing of an Outsider Poet's Penis Ahead and a Poem About a Dick

Warning: a drawing of a penis is ahead. 

Thomas L. Vaultonburg, the poet, drawn by Kooky Houston

My Dick  

My dick fell off 
Last week. 
Since then things have 
Been stupendous.  
I’ve been writing poems 
And learning to cook 
And I think I’ve  even found 
A cure for cancer.  
Last night I spent six hours 
Pushing around one pebble 
In my Zen garden.  

Did you know women 
Have eyes 
And some of them have 
Even learned to  speak?  

It’s the dambdest Thing.  

I lied. I still have a penis.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Shadmock Joins Outsider Poetry Team

Raven Shadmock, a character in the book and movie versions of R Chetwynd Hayes' collection of short stories The Monster Club, has joined The Chemung Shamans for the 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam League of America season.

Raven Shadmock about to whistle a poem

This will not be the first time a Shadmock has attempted a career in slam poetry, as Raven Shadmock's cousin, Wilbur Shadmock performed twice in the Rockford Poetry Slam before whistling in anger when receiving a 5.4 from celebrity judge Bun E Carlos of Cheap Trick and incinerating an audience of 17 at a Taco Bell, Rockford's voted #1 Mexican restaurant according to The Rockford Register Star.

Shadmocks are typically learned and gentle creatures, but if they ever get angry and whistle, nearby biological organisms tend to burst into flames, so it is typically advised to avoid angering a Shadmock. Whether or not this will benefit Shadmock's scores is yet to be seen, but local scientist Tim Stolezstotzen is said to be working on a Shadmock whistle proof suit for his teammates. 

Raven Shadmock has been a solitary and reclusive figure since he caused his wife to melt soon after their wedding in 1980. Thrirty-five years later he returns to sign a contract with the Rockford Pages, joining Thomas L. Vaultonburg and Nelson the Sock Monkey as the backbone of the squad. 

It is unclear whether a Shadmock's whistle has to be done intentionally to take effect, or whether accidental whistles or escapetures of air through a pursed lip would cause destruction. Does a nose whistle count. These are all questions to be answered in a physical to be performed Wednesday. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

There Is a City In Illinois Named Chemung

All my life people in this area have said if you misbehave we'll ship you off to Chemung, and I knew there was a town named Chemung somewhere in Illinois, but when I searched for it when I created this blog I couldn't find it. So, I found a Chemung, but it was in New York State. But Sunday I found Chemung, Illinois.

We were headed towards the Bristol Renaissance Fair in Kenosha, Wisconsin, and we drove through Chemung. Population 300. Big enough that it should be on the map and show up in Google searches, but I never saw it.

In other news related in no way to the Chemung Shamans Outsider Poetry slam team, a body was found in a garbage can on Market Street last week. The county coroner said part of the remains had liquified, and I immediately happy I had never beaten the Winnebago County Coroner any of the times I had run against her. 

Mostly I'm just here to confirm that there is a city in Illinois named Chemung, and the Chemung Shamans Outsider Poetry Team is not from there, unfortunately. Also, Renaissance Fairs are weird. I'm going to go eat that soup now.