Friday, July 29, 2016

Warning, Drawing of an Outsider Poet's Penis Ahead and a Poem About a Dick

Warning: a drawing of a penis is ahead. 

Thomas L. Vaultonburg, the poet, drawn by Kooky Houston


My Dick  

My dick fell off 
Last week. 
Since then things have 
Been stupendous.  
I’ve been writing poems 
And learning to cook 
Portuguese 
And I think I’ve  even found 
A cure for cancer.  
Last night I spent six hours 
Pushing around one pebble 
In my Zen garden.  

Did you know women 
Have eyes 
And some of them have 
Even learned to  speak?  

It’s the dambdest Thing.  




I lied. I still have a penis.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Shadmock Joins Outsider Poetry Team

Raven Shadmock, a character in the book and movie versions of R Chetwynd Hayes' collection of short stories The Monster Club, has joined The Chemung Shamans for the 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam League of America season.

Raven Shadmock about to whistle a poem

This will not be the first time a Shadmock has attempted a career in slam poetry, as Raven Shadmock's cousin, Wilbur Shadmock performed twice in the Rockford Poetry Slam before whistling in anger when receiving a 5.4 from celebrity judge Bun E Carlos of Cheap Trick and incinerating an audience of 17 at a Taco Bell, Rockford's voted #1 Mexican restaurant according to The Rockford Register Star.

Shadmocks are typically learned and gentle creatures, but if they ever get angry and whistle, nearby biological organisms tend to burst into flames, so it is typically advised to avoid angering a Shadmock. Whether or not this will benefit Shadmock's scores is yet to be seen, but local scientist Tim Stolezstotzen is said to be working on a Shadmock whistle proof suit for his teammates. 

Raven Shadmock has been a solitary and reclusive figure since he caused his wife to melt soon after their wedding in 1980. Thrirty-five years later he returns to sign a contract with the Rockford Pages, joining Thomas L. Vaultonburg and Nelson the Sock Monkey as the backbone of the squad. 

It is unclear whether a Shadmock's whistle has to be done intentionally to take effect, or whether accidental whistles or escapetures of air through a pursed lip would cause destruction. Does a nose whistle count. These are all questions to be answered in a physical to be performed Wednesday. 




Wednesday, July 13, 2016

There Is a City In Illinois Named Chemung

All my life people in this area have said if you misbehave we'll ship you off to Chemung, and I knew there was a town named Chemung somewhere in Illinois, but when I searched for it when I created this blog I couldn't find it. So, I found a Chemung, but it was in New York State. But Sunday I found Chemung, Illinois.

We were headed towards the Bristol Renaissance Fair in Kenosha, Wisconsin, and we drove through Chemung. Population 300. Big enough that it should be on the map and show up in Google searches, but I never saw it.


In other news related in no way to the Chemung Shamans Outsider Poetry slam team, a body was found in a garbage can on Market Street last week. The county coroner said part of the remains had liquified, and I immediately happy I had never beaten the Winnebago County Coroner any of the times I had run against her. 

Mostly I'm just here to confirm that there is a city in Illinois named Chemung, and the Chemung Shamans Outsider Poetry Team is not from there, unfortunately. Also, Renaissance Fairs are weird. I'm going to go eat that soup now. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

The Chemung Shamans Add Outsider Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg For Rockford Poetry Slam

In OPSLA news just tweeted out by commissioner Dr. Henry Wolfsburg, outsider poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg has joined the Chemung Shamans for the Rockford Poetry Slam to be held July 4th. 

Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg celebrating his signing by the Chemung Shamans by drinking a Stella Artois. He will join the team in Rockford for their bout with league rival Rockford Pages. 

Along with Vaultonburg, the Shamans receive a conditional second round draft pick in the 2017 OPSLA draft, and a nominal amount of cash to be used for purchasing Dutch and Belgian beers. 




Thursday, June 9, 2016

Outsider Poetry, "We Are Gathering Up Our Dust" By Jesus Correa

Outlaw Poetry Saturday Night In Rockford

Saturday night I will be hosting a book release party for Dennis Gulling's book of Outlaw Poetry The Blood Dark Sea, published by Zombie Logic Press as the third book in the Rock River Literary Series. 

I am the host, and after a very busy beginning to this summer, and a trip to New Orleans, I have no notes prepared. All of my first choice readers dropped out, and I am here in my aprtment exhausted and without much of an idea how to approach hosting. 

First of all I'd like to thank Doc and Jerry for making their incredible space available. There's no where else I'd want to have done this book release party. They have been promoting the arts in this location for over thirty years now, and I have enormous respect for what they've been able to do for the arts community. 

Thank all of you for showing up to support Dennis and the third book in the Rock River Literary Series, The Blood Dark Sea. 

                                                            The Blood Dark Sea

I'm not sure if everyone knows this, but three years ago I had open heart surgery, and as I was recovering I realized one of the important things to me that I felt I hadn't made enough of an effort on was to promote the work of my fellow writers here in the Rockford area. Rockford gets a bad rap from the national media as a violent place bereft of all culture and sophistication, but those of us who live here know better. When I started thinking about it, there were a couple dozen writers I could think off  hand that I wanted to work with. Writers I feel deserve a local, regional, and national audience for their works. And that's what the Rock River Literary Series is all about. Exposing an audience to all the talented writers we have here in the Rockford area. 

Before I go on and introduce our first reader, I'd like to acknowledge someone in the audience. The person who published my first book, Concave Buddha, twenty-five years ago, and set the example that I would later follow of wanting to give a spotlight and encourage others. His name is Bradley Lastname, and I won't embarass him by pointing him out, but I want you to know I probably wouldn't have gotten to this place without your example.


Monday, May 16, 2016

Rockford Poetry From Zombie Logic Press

The Rock River Literary Series Is a Good Thing About Rockford Poetry

Rockford, Illinois is the butt of many jokes at the expense of the national media. The third fattest, seventh most violent and uneducated, third most miserable city in America, and civil-minded groups have no real plan to reverse these trends except to acknowledge the positive, like Cheap trick, and ignore whatever problems caused the city to make these lists in the first place. This Pollyana approach has been mocked by almost everyone, except for a privileged few who benefit from dipping their fat snouts in the public trough and filling their guts. For them any initiative that puts public funds into a project they benefit from is golden and should be accepted by everyone else. Except in most cases, minorities, the poor, and anyone else who doesn't bear a striking resemblance to them doesn't benefit at all.

However, a lot of good projects and organizations that fly under the radar, or would never receive a second of attention from these civic goalies are doing great work that is recognized on a national level, but ignored in Rockford. One of these organizations is Zombie Logic Press. They were referred to as "America's most dangerous literary press" by NPR in their Winter Books Series, but local recognition has been hard to find for this maverick publisher. The Rock River Literary Series is an attempt to discover and publish the most promising writers in Rockford. The third book in the series, The Blood Dark Sea, was released in May, and a book release party is scheduled for June 11 at JR Kortman Gallery on Main Street. At that reading, all previous authors in the series will read, including Jesus Correa, C.J. Campbell, and Dennis Gulling. 

Rockford is a proud city with a history that many are proud of, including being a leader in trade unions and socialist politicians, including one of America's first Socialist mayors, but Rockford took a tragic turn for racism and urban blight in the late 1960's when the school board reacted to the bussing phenomenon by segregating the city in a way that has never been addressed to this day. Although many long to move into the future, the scions of many of these racist dynasties still exert a great deal of control and sit like vultures on property that rots and decays, blighting many neighborhoods where younger, more future-minded entrepeneurs would like to innovate, revitalize, and bring the city back from the dead. 

Many cities encourage their leaders in the arts and culture community to lead the way in revamping blighted neighborhoods, but in Rockford it's actively discouraged. A renowned dance director who was brought in from Houston was recently relieved of his position for presenting the Nutcracker with a Black cast, even though most who had seen it believed it was the best performance ever. Hopefully literary presses like Zombie Logic Press will succeed in getting the word out nationally that the entire city is not fat, stupid, and racist, but they won't be getting any help locally in doing it.